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Incredible

Today was my first Dr appointment and I got to see my first ultra sound. I know everyone says it the most amazing feeling in the world but you will never really know till you go through it. I just can't begin to explain how all the drama just melted away. He (he cause I don't like call him/her it) just kept moving and kicking! And he had this huge head lol! But really he was the most beautiful thing I've ever seen. All the worrying just disapated and I was left with nothing but love and awe. I'm not the first single mum in the work but I sure it feels like it. So an update on baby birthday, he is actually older than I thought he was instead of 11 weeks he is actually 13 week which means I'm basically done with first trimester! Yay! 

 I'm walking around with this little human inside me. I wanted to cry because I was so happy I made the right decision. There's a baby inside me, a human and he kicks and moves and has this huge head. It's adorable! I haven't know love till now and all those who aren't part of his life are missing out on a miracle. I could have watched him all day. I wish they had a take home ultra sound machine you could use lol. Well without any further adieu here he/she is!

Judgement Day

So today I told my mum. She lives over seas and it's hard to find a time to talk. So I was trying to tell her and ask her to call me. She kept asking me what it was. She asked me if I was getting married. I said no. So via text it came out. She hasn't responded she hasn't called. So what does that mean? I don't know. But my heart is broken. I had text my brother earlier to ask him if he thought I would make a crappy mum. He never responded. So I just feel so alone. I was at the grocery store today and I kept seeing pregnant women with their partners and I just felt so alone. There were couples every where and all I have is me. The support I need from family and the father are not there. I can barely afford anything. My stress level... Hmm well we'll see. So how do I feel today? I feel very very alone. But I guess this is what it's going to be like. This is what I signed up for. Sad isn't? Not sad as in feel sorry but more like pathetic. I just need to make it to that first baby appointment. Two more weeks and I'm done with my first trimester. I'm looking forward to the fatigue going so I can work out. It's 3:30 am I went to bed at 5:30 am yesterday struggled all day and I'm still not asleep. I'm so tired but I'm also extremely tired of being tired. My body aches and I've got this weird head ache all the time. I just realized I forgot to take my prenatals so I better go take those. Tomorrow is another day

In The Beginning... Haha oh geeze here we go

Hmmm where do I start? Ok maybe why I decided to start this blog. Well I'm 9 weeks and 5 days pregnant to be exact. I started writing this blog because I couldn't find the help I was looking for and I hope this helps someone in the future. I also think and hope it will help me along the way. So what's my story? I guess I'll start with the facts. I'm 26, will be 27 next month. Yes I'm single. I've known the father of my baby for...going 7-8 years. We dated when I first started college we dated for almost two years but I changed colleges and he didn't want a long distance relationship. I wanted him to ask me to stay but he didn't so I moved. He moved to my State and we reconnected and we have been on and off since then. Soooo this is my second pregnancy, from the same guy. The first time I was 22 and I got an abortion. It wasn't an east decision. It will be very sad if I have a bunch if activists lecturing me about abortion. It was a very difficult choice and I live with it every day. Anyway, so I'm here pregnant again. The decision hasn't been any easier. But I have decided to keep him/her (I think it's a him haha). I have told a few friends, and the only family that knows is my brother. He is the one person who had always had my 6. Like he has said he can never understand where I'm coming from and how it feels. But knowing my history with depression and not have graduated college (one semester to go)! He doesn't know if me having a baby right now is what's best. That doesn't mean he is not supportive of my decision whatever that maybe (he doesn't know I have decided to keep it). I know he loves me and he will be there for me. It might just not be with the right guy. Yes me and the guy have been going back and forth for years. But he is emotionally abusive so that makes things difficult. Needless to say he has distant himself from me, never asks how I am. He moved out of his apartment and not told me where he is going. He has made a fews things clear.
1. He is not lifting a finger without a paternity test.
2. He is not available for any financial assistance.
3. He doesn't care what I name him or if he's on the birth certificate.
4. He's not even willing to pay for the paternity test.
5. He's really not going to be there
So! I guess it's just me and this little guy. I need to find a better job, need to finish school, find a better place to live. BEFORE baby comes! Which is fine, I will figure it: I always do. I want to be really happy about baby I do but  I have things I have to handle. I still have to tell my mother (that's going to be fun); but anyway I'm here I'm doing this, there's so much I could unload right now but there's plenty of other posts to let that happen. I do want to have a baby stuff portion about this so here it is.

Baby Stuff:
-Well so far NO morning sickness! What!?!? I know! I didn't get it the first time either I made it to 8 weeks. I did throw up once but I think that was a fluke.
-I get these cramps all the time but I think that's just from growing.
- OMG I am soooooo tired I can hardly make it through my day but I think it's getting better.
- I really want to work out I gained weight prior to the pregnancy and I'm the most unfit I have been in my whole life. I just want to start running but this tired thing is just killing me. I'll keep working on it. However!!!!! Cravings! I'm african and I've been craving african food! All african food is deep fried, but I'm trying to eat clean. I wish there was more on healthy pregnancy diet. I think I'm going to hit up Barnes and noble at the end of this week. Over spending incoming but I really need to be careful with my money. Argh anyway all for baby, I don't want to mess up early. Well thank you for ready. I don't even know how long this post is so I apologize.